Four Basic Styles of Communication

There are four basic styles of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive communication. Each of us has our own unique combination of the four styles—ultimately the goal is to learn how to use assertive communication as often as possible and to minimize the other styles. Communication is an art and a science, it is through awareness and practice that we can change our default style of communication to be more effective.

 

1. Passive Communication

Passive communication is a style in which individuals avoid expressing their opinions and feelings or protecting their rights.

Passive communicators will often:

  • fail to assert themselves; fail to express their feelings, needs, or opinions
  • allow others to deliberately or inadvertently infringe on their rights
  • tend to speak softly or apologetically
  • exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture

The impact of a pattern of passive communication is that these individuals often feel:

  • anxious because life seems out of their control
  • depressed because they feel stuck and hopeless
  • resentful (but are unaware of it) because their needs are not being met
  • confused because they ignore their own feelings

A passive communicator will say/believe/behave like:

  • “I’m unable to stand up for my rights.”
  • “I get stepped on my everyone.”
  • “I’m weak and unable to take care of myself.”
  • “People never consider my feelings.”

 

2. Aggressive Communication

Aggressive communication is a style in which individuals express their opinions and feelings, and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others.

Aggressive communicators will often:

  • try to dominate, humiliate or control others
  • criticize, blame, or attack others
  • speak in a loud, demanding, and overbearing voice
  • interrupt frequently, not listen well
  • use “you” statements
  • have piercing eye contact and an overbearing posture

The impact of a pattern of aggressive communication is that these individuals:

  • become alienated from others
  • generate fear and hatred in others
  • often blame others instead of owning their issues

An aggressive communicator will say/believe/behave like:

  • “I’m superior and right and you’re inferior and wrong.”
  • “I’m loud, bossy, and pushy.”
  • “I can dominate and intimidate you.”
  • “I can violate your rights.”
  • “I’ll get my way no matter what.”

 

3. Passive-Aggressive Communication

Passive-Aggressive communication is a style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in subtle, indirect ways.

Passive-Aggressive communicators will often:

  • mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue
  • use sarcasm
  • deny there is a problem
  • appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy and disrupt
  • use subtle sabotage to get even

The impact of a pattern of passive-aggressive communication is that these individuals:

  • become alienated from those around them
  • remain stuck in a position of powerless
  • discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed

A passive-aggressive communicator will say/believe/behave like:

  • “I’m weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate, and disrupt.”
  • “I’m powerless to deal with you head on so I must use guerilla warfare.”
  • “I will appear cooperative but I’m not.”

 

4. Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is a style in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others.

Assertive communicators will:

  • state needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
  • express feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
  • use “I” statements
  • listen well without interrupting
  • speak in a calm and clear tone of voice
  • not allow others to abuse or manipulate them

The impact of a pattern of assertive communication is that these individuals:

  • feel connected to others
  • feel in control of their lives
  • address problems and issues as they arise

An assertive communicator will say/believe/behave like:

  • “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”
  • “I am confident about who I am.”
  • “I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options.”
  • “I can’t control others but I can control myself.”
  • “I am responsible for getting my own needs met in a respectful manner.”

 

*I learned this information when I went to an Anger and Irritability Management Skills workshop at my local VA Hospital. 

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